When You Left
by mara-anni
Summary: Clark POV. Resolving the Arc of Infinate Stupidity. Set S9. Clark realises some truths, resolves things with Lana and finally accepts his feelings for Lois. Definately CLOIS! Strictly in canon -even the Lana bits since there's nothing to say I'm wrong
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **This fic is my attempt at tieing up and resolving the dreadful 4 ep mid-season 8 story arc: The Arc of Infinate Stupidity. If you know of what I speak, then please read on and I hope you enjoy ;)

This chapter is set post-S8/pre-S9 and hopefully will speak for itself. **WARNING: **If you are NOT a Clois Shipper, then don't bother reading this. Also if you actually, for some unfathomable reason, like Lana Lang, then you may want to turn away now.

**When You Left**

**By mara-anni**

**Chapter 1**

The lightning flashed in the silver sky, followed quickly by the rumble of thunder. Clark stood on the farmhouse porch and watched it. Once, he would have stood in his loft and let himself be mesmerized by it, but he didn't go there anymore. The Fortress Key and whatever else he'd needed were back at the Fortress. That was where he stayed now. Shelby nudged at his leg with a little whine and Clark squatted to give him a rub.

"Don't like all this rain, huh boy?"

He straightened again, watching as the rain grew heavier and drew in a deep breath. The scent was so familiar, fresh and clean. He could smell the ozone in the air as the lightning lit up the fields. It should have been cleansing. It should have been a comfort to him, as the farm had always been, but the familiar meant nothing to him now.

With Shelby fed, he had no reason to be here, and with evening approaching he had a full night's work in Metropolis. He gave Shelby a last scratch behind the ear.

"I'll see ya tomorrow…" _'Clarky'_ the remembered name for his dog whispered through his mind and before the knife in his gut could twist any more, he stepped off the porch and took off.

The rain hung suspended in midair like a speckled curtain as he plunged through it at super-speed. It did him good; he could concentrate on each mini-explosion against his skin. Still, he found himself slowing down as he zipped through Smallville. The lights were on in the apartment above the Talon. He hadn't seen or spoken to Chloe since he'd walked away from her in her new Watchtower, but he still checked on her every now and then. If his purpose was to save and protect people, then that included Chloe.

There were still some people dashing from store to store, or running across the street, to get out of the rain. He wove his way around them too fast for their eyes to see him, outran the single car and leaped onto the roof of the building opposite the Talon.

The rain pelted down, and for a moment he listened only to it – thunderous as it hit the tin roof. It should have been melodious – he'd found it so before – but it wasn't. He shifted his concentration, angling his head slightly until he heard Chloe's voice.

"Not that I'm not glad to see you – because I am, believe me…" She sounded sincere and Clark was surprised to find she wasn't alone. "But, I've been trying to call you for months without getting a reply…"

"I know, Chloe. I'm sorry."

He knew the voice; knew it as well as he knew his own. Lana.

He waited for surprise to turn to pleasure, happiness, curiosity…pain. He waited in vain. His only thought was that it had probably been a good thing he'd chosen this rooftop instead of the Talon's.

"It doesn't matter. I'm just…" Chloe's voice cracked on a choked back sob.

Clark squinted slightly, shifting into x-ray vision as he listened.

"I got your message about Jimmy." Lana wrapped an arm around Chloe's shoulders and steered her to the sofa. "I'm so sorry."

"Thanks for coming, Lana. I could use a friend."

"You say that like…Chloe? What's wrong? Where's Clark?"

He heard Chloe sniff. "That's what I called about. Lana…Clark's gone."

"What? What do you mean?" There was a slight pitch of panic in Lana's voice before Chloe explained.

"No. I mean he left. He left me, the farm, the Daily Planet."

"I…I've been reading the reports of The Blur's saves in every paper."

"He hasn't left Metropolis, he's left _us_. He's completely withdrawn from society. He won't answer my calls. He said I'd never see him again."

"Oh God."

"That's why I called you. He blames himself for Jimmy, and I figure if anyone can lure him out of his cave, it's you."

"Chloe…"

"I know you can't get too close to each other since the Kryptonite poisoning, but…"

"It's gone."

"What's gone?"

"The meteor rock poisoning, the powers, it's all gone."

Clark blinked the rain out of his eyes and listened a little closer. Lana stood and paced around the coffee table.

"That's why I didn't answer your calls. I couldn't. A few days after I left Smallville, I started getting sick. Really sick."

"Oh my God!" Chloe jumped to her feet. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. It's okay. I'm fine now. But I was in Alaska when it happened. I've been in a hospital there for months."

"Okay…um…I know there are a million questions I should be asking right now and this should be way down there on the list but…why were you in Alaska?"

Lana let out a small laugh. Clark waited to feel again, but still…there was nothing.

"When I left Smallville I didn't really know where to go. And Clark…he was so sick…I just ran, Chloe. I just ran and when I finally stopped, I found myself in Alaska. I'd run through cities and over mountains before I realized where I was."

"Okay…now…let's go back to the hospital and no powers thing?"

Clark watched Lana start to pace as she told her story.

"…when I woke up a few days later all the powers were gone. The doctors treated me for radiation poisoning and seemed surprised when it actually worked. I have to admit, I was really grateful for the money I still had. I managed to track down Dr Groll, who came to the hospital and covered for me when they were threatening to call in the authorities. But his theory is that, while the suit was designed to metabolize the meteor rock's energy, it wasn't designed to absorb that much in one hit."

"So, he thinks the suit short-circuited?"

"Basically."

"And the krypto-poisoning?"

"Well…I won't know for sure unless I see Clark, but according to Dr Groll, any Kryptonite radiation should have been neutralized with the suit. He said it would have dissipated when the suit malfunctioned and that's probably what made me so sick for a while."

"But you're okay now?"

"I'm fine, Chloe."

"This is great news!" Chloe hugged Lana for a moment, then gripped her shoulders. "We have to tell Clark. Why didn't you come back sooner?"

Clark watched as Lana shook her head and turned away.

"I'm not invulnerable anymore, Chloe. I'm not his equal anymore. I worked so hard for so long to find a solution, a way we could be together. The suit was it. There's no other way."

Not his equal anymore? She had said that, hadn't she? When she got the suit. That she was finally his equal. The memory was clear, though it felt a lifetime ago. But she hadn't been the first person to say similar words to him. For the first time he let himself consider objectively, the way Jor-El had been teaching him. Lex and Lana had one thing in common: they'd both tried to usurp his destiny…and they'd both suffered for it.

"But you can still be together. Lana…Clark will come back for you."

"I don't know if I can. Maybe. I guess we never really had a chance to try it _this _way…and with Lex out of our lives…"

"Please call him. You have to at least try!"

Clark felt the buzzing in his back pocket. He reached in and pulled out his phone. He didn't know why he still carried it, or why he always checked it when it rang.

Caller ID read _Lana Lang. _

Clark hit the 'end' button and put it back in his pocket. Refocusing on the Talon, he watched Lana take her phone from her ear.

"Is he checking his voice mail?"

"I don't know. If he is, he isn't answering mine."

"Maybe I should go out to the farm."

Clark withdrew his senses and lifted his face to the still pouring rain.

He knew he should be relieved. Lana was back. She was okay and she was quite possibly no longer lethal to him. Didn't this mean they could try again? He looked inside himself; searched. But he couldn't find it. All he found was an emptiness; a dark hollow.

He didn't save people now because he wanted and needed to; but out of duty…out of penance. Lana's voice brought him nothing but that vague sense of guilt that had always haunted him with Lana - from the first time she'd been endangered just by his presence. But the guilt wasn't painful anymore, it just was. And he understood now that he could never save or protect her enough to erase the damage he'd done to the picket-fence life she should have had. And he found he no longer cared enough to try.

Clark Kent was dead.

He'd died when... The pain hit him; it was worse than Kryptonite, it was worse than anything. This was why he stayed away from them – from Chloe, Oliver – from everyone. It hurt too much.

Clark ran. He ran as fast as he knew how. But not to Metropolis; he ran back to the Fortress. Back to his training. With barely a pause to answer Jor-El's greeting, he threw himself into the training program and drowned out the pain.

tbc.

**A/N: **This came out of the fact that TPTB not only created a ridiculous arc, but one that left a huge plot hole that they decided to ignore - probably because they realised how infinately stupid that arc had been and, embarrassed, wanted to pretend it never happened. Personally, I needed a reason that Lana - with her new krypto-poisonous Super-status - would not be called upon to rid the world of the scourge of super-powered Kandorians we see in the 'Pandora' future, when all she'd have to do would be walk into the room and they'd drop. I didn't think "Sorry Chloe, but I'm catching up on Days of Our Lives and apparently this episode is a classic" would suffice. Even Lana couldn't be quite that selfish...I think. ;)

Um...reviews are welcome...pretty please


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** S9 Alternate-timeline!Clark POV. Set during the future events seen in Pandora. To clarify for those who may not be overly familiar with it: Although we finally see this future around the mid of S9, the events we saw actually happened to Lois during those 3 weeks she was gone between S8 and S9. So while our Clark was going through what he was going through in the first chapter of this fic, the events of this second chapter were happening simultaneously. Now I'll shut up and let you read...

**Chapter 2:**

Lois slept.

But Clark couldn't, not just yet. He watched her sleep; the candles making her face glow golden. He brushed a single finger down her soft cheek. He still had trouble believing she was really here. A year ago she'd disappeared and though he'd looked everywhere for her, he'd never found a trace. He'd thought her dead, lost to him forever. And in that moment…that moment when he'd set eyes upon the telephone booth where she'd asked The Blur to meet her…the empty telephone booth that had been in Doomsday's direct path of destruction…in that moment he'd died himself.

He brushed her hair away from her face as gently as he could. He didn't want her to wake just yet. In her sleep, she sighed and turned into the caress. God, his heart literally expanded until it hurt. But it wasn't the type of hurt losing her had caused him. The pain of that had been so much, so bad, that he couldn't stand to be around anything or anyone that reminded him of her. He didn't know how to survive that pain. The only way he found to function was to close off every feeling; every part of him that had ever felt, that had ever loved. Because he found that without Lois, to feel was to hurt. Jor-El had helped him. By immersing himself in the training, he didn't have time to think about anything else, he didn't have time to feel. His life had been reduced to bare basics: train, patrol the city, train some more. Along the way, he'd lost sight of why he protected the planet. Just knew that he did, that he should…what else was there to do?

Lois' eyelashes flickered against her cheek and he couldn't help pressing a soft kiss at the corner of her eye.

He'd been so blind…so stupid, for so long. He hadn't known how important this woman was to him, how vital. He'd taken her constant presence in his life over the years, for granted. She'd always just been there and she'd always just been… Lois. Before she left, that's how he thought of her…simply 'Lois'. He thought of her that way still, but he now knew what the name, the word, meant: Love. It took losing her, and twelve months of reflection and regret to realise it. Under the yellow sun, Clark Kent hadn't needed to eat or drink, and even breathing was optional. Turns out that what he needed to live - to truly live, not just exist - was Lois Lane.

He touched his lips to hers as she slept, the barest of contact, and he breathed her in. He allowed himself to feel the electric charge she created in him when she was close like this. He remembered the first time their lips had met. She still had no idea it had been him under Green Arrow's hood, but he would never forget how she made him feel. Breathless. Literally. He'd had to bail out of super-speed as soon as he got around the corner of the alley and out of eyeshot because she'd stolen the wind out of him. He'd never felt anything like it before; blood ablaze and lungs spent. A part of him had known that had been something extraordinary, something…more. But as soon as he'd managed to get his breathe back, his heart slowed to normal, he'd pushed it away. Refused to think about it.

He'd been so caught up in his infatuation for someone else that he'd ignored Lois, and what she made him feel. Lana was so much simpler to quantify. She was exotically beautiful, blatantly wounded, an object of worship by every boy in school since they'd been children, vulnerable and needy. And Clark had liked to be needed…he'd wanted to be the White Knight. To a boy who'd yearned to be normal, to find a place for himself in this world, coming to her rescue had given him an identity, a purpose. He'd wrapped her up in cotton wool and placed her on a pedestal, and he'd held her on that pedestal for a very long time.

It wasn't until he found himself in a world without Lois, and had thrown himself into Jor-El's training that he'd finally been able to look at himself and Lana objectively, without the rosy lenses of youth and infatuation to colour his perceptions.

Lois was Lana's antithesis in every way. She had her own wounds – some more damaging than Lana had ever known growing up – but Lois didn't wear them on her sleeve. She was strong and independent and a loner and in many ways she was more like him than his own Kandorian brethren.

Lois hadn't needed him. She'd never been a damsel that needed rescuing. She was a trouble-magnet, that was certain, but it was trouble she went looking for. And more often than not, she got herself out it. And when she couldn't, when he'd saved her, it had somehow still felt as though she would have gotten along just fine without him. He'd never forget racing through the vine fields, only to find her standing over the limp and battered form of a Special Forces operative. He hadn't understood it at the time, but that simple fact – that she could take care of herself – had at once and in equal measure irritated and impressed him. Yet even back then, he'd rarely felt such rage as he had when someone tried to harm Lois Lane. He understood it now, of course. Too little, too late.

She sighed as she slept, the corners of her lips creeping up ever so slightly as she turned into him. But maybe it wasn't too late. With the Legion Ring, she could go back. She could go back to him, and he knew, he just knew that if he hadn't lost her things would have been different. He wouldn't have abandoned his friends and family, he wouldn't have tried to save the world alone. Because he wasn't alone, while he had her. Maybe, before this day, they'd never shared so much as a real consenting kiss, but from the beginning, even when he'd thought he couldn't stand her, whenever Lois was around, he hadn't felt alone. When she as around, he'd felt…not human…but normal. She didn't even know his secret, yet she'd always made him feel like it was just fine to be who he was. She could go back and tell them all about the threat Zod poses, and they could make sure this horror never happens. She could go back and he wouldn't have to have these twelve nightmarish months without her.

He pressed his lips to her neck and then to her shoulder. Her eyes fluttered and she mumbled his name. He wanted to spend as much of this time with her as he could. He moved his lips to her cheek, and ran his fingers down her arm and back up again. When her eyes opened to gaze at him with a sleepy smile he cupped her face and tilted her chin so his mouth could better reach hers. She whispered his name when their lips parted and then she smiled, her eyes twinkling. If he could have frozen this one moment in time, he would have. He would have spent eternity right here with her.

"Is it morning, already?"

"No," he said and kissed her again, letting his hand travel, explore.

"Oh…" She swallowed and sighed and arched her neck when his lips slid across her jaw. "I've always thought sleep was overrated anyway."

He smiled against her skin. He was pretty sure it was the first smile that had passed his lips since she'd left. She was always the one who could at once drive him crazy and make him want to laugh. He raised himself onto an elbow and stroked her lovely face in the flickering shadows. Lois. She was… Lois

"I was lost without you."

She blinked and a quizzical look crossed her features, before her forehead creased. She was thinking. He remembered the look. She was putting pieces of a puzzle together like she used to do at the Planet a lifetime ago. But this time, she seemed to be having some trouble. She shifted beneath him and sat up, loosely clutching the sheet against her chest.

"Clark." She paused, as though she were searching for words and when she looked up at him again her eyes were full of some unspoken pain. She shook her head. "Never mind."

"Lois. What is it?"

She met his eyes again. "It's just… I don't understand. I mean, I know I've travelled a year into the future. But for me… What I'm trying to say is, you barely knew I was alive, and now here you are, here _we_ are. And you're saying things like that and I… I guess I just don't understand why. Why it… I… mattered in the larger scheme of things. I mean, for me, one minute you're pining over…" she paused again, spluttered, then barreled on. He let her. "You know…pining. You stand me up for coffee, and the next minute…well…" She waved her hand between them and hitched the sheet up a fraction more. She looked away from him a moment and when she turned back, she smiled. But the smile didn't reach her eyes. "But then I guess it's been a while since you've gotten…"

"Okay, stop." He cupped her cheeks in both hands and held her eyes to his. He wanted, needed, her to understand. "Lois. It's you. It's always been you." He didn't know how to offer her any other words; he didn't know what to say. Too much had happened, where could he even begin? So he held her gaze and willed her to understand.

Slowly, her features softened and her eyes lit, and she gifted him with the sweetest of smiles. "You're a little slow then, aren't you, Smallville?"

He'd never heard sweeter words. Her hand came to his own face and a thumb caressed his cheek. She leaned in slowly and placed a gentle kiss to his lips.

"We'll get the Ring back, Lois. I promise. And then you can go back and knock some sense into me."

"Go back." She lost the smile and slid her hand to his chest. "But… you won't be there."

"Of course I'll be there. It'll be the me, before this ever happens. It'll be the me, you remember."

She shook her head once, very slowly, and looked suddenly so sad. He'd have done anything to take away the sad in her. "You don't love me there."

He pressed his forehead to hers. "Yes I do. I just don't know it yet." Releasing her, he took her hands in his. "It's too late for me, but it's not too late for him."

"But I could stay. We could win this war here, now."

He sighed. "Too many people have died and it's my fault…"

"No. Clark…"

"It's the truth. I was supposed to protect them, I failed, I'm responsible. Lois…" He stroked the hair from her face and pleaded with her. "You made me feel again, don't make me feel that."

Her eyes were stricken as she gazed up at him and a single tear slid down her cheek. He swiped at it with a thumb and kissed her lips. When another tear escaped her eyes, he kissed it away.

"This isn't your fault, Clark," she whispered as her hands came around him to run up his back.

And for a moment, just for this moment, he believed her. His guilt washed away.

"We can save a lot of people," he murmured against her skin.

She arched into him. "Then we will." Lois pulled his mouth to hers.

The kiss started gently, but soon lengthened, deepened. She moved to straddle him and he tugged and pulled until the sheet was out of the way. She loomed above him, cupping his face and smiled, tugging him to her. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer still. The kiss was fierce, passionate, full of everything they'd finally found and would have to leave behind. He feasted on her lips, her neck. And later, when she lay quiet and limp in his arms again, he slept.

tbc

**A/N: **reviews are like the sun. Oh and I will reply to reviews...as soon as I figure out how to do that :o


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Hasn't had any sort of beta, so please forgive any small errors :o

I wanted to set this chapter after Lois' return, but before Clark sees what happened to Lois during her 3 weeks in the future. This this chapter is set post first kiss ;) During the 2 weeks she was out of town.

For me, writing this has been cathartic. I needed to exorcize the demons left by the arc of infinite stupidity. I hope that reading it does the same for you and is satisfying as far as tying up these plot holes. Oh...and Happy New Year!

**Chapter 3:**

One week.

Lois had been gone one week. He was giving her space – he hadn't called once.

Giving her space was driving him nuts.

Okay, well maybe he'd called once, just after he'd buried Jor-El. But she hadn't answered…though hanging up quickly after one ring probably didn't count. Could it be possible he was even more pathetic now then he'd ever been? There was just something about Lois…she'd always made him crazy. Around her there'd never been thoughts of destiny or responsibility; there'd never been regret or guilt. He'd never been afraid of scaring her or of offending her. With her he'd always said just what he wanted, with hardly any thoughts of censorship.

Is that why she freaked out and skipped town after he kissed her? He knew there were times over the years that he'd been less than friendly, and yes, he'd even been cruel, but Lois could handle it and she'd thrown her own well-aimed daggers. In fact, he'd come to expect the barbs…to need them.

No. That's not why she'd left town. She gave as good as she got…better. And their relationship had always been honest. Clark closed his eyes, leaning his palms against the tractor. As honest as it could be considering he lied to her everyday about The Blur.

Before he gave in to the urge to clench his fists too hard and puncture the old tractor with eight finger-sized holes, he released it and fished out another tool from the box behind him. He'd pulled it entirely apart and now had to put the damn thing back together….again.

Clark looked around the barn. His birth father had been here, stepped in the places his dad had walked. Something clenched in his gut when he thought of it – he'd missed Jor-El by so little. If only he'd been here…

'_If wishes were horses, Smallville,' _he could hear Lois say. God, when had she become a voice in his head? Clark blinked. A long time, he realized. A very long time.

He wondered what she'd say if he told her the truth about himself. He'd told her once, of course, in a timeline he'd changed, and apart from her initial skepticism – which still grated a little – she'd been incredible about it. Even when he'd told her the alien part.

And she'd still called him Smallville. Clark smiled a little. He used to hate it. Now…

But he couldn't tell her. Not ever. His secret had ruined the lives of everyone he'd cared for. But not Lois. Of all people, not Lois. It was the one thing he now understood he couldn't live with: harming Lois.

So he'd keep looking her in the eye everyday and lying. Even if she did think he was terrible at it. She knew, of course, that he was lying to her. She always knew, somehow. And yet, she'd been the only one who'd let him have it - _'keep the mystery, Smallville.' _Even Chloe had done her share of digging for years before she found out his secret. But Lois had always trusted him, without needing to know. Why hadn't he realized that before? Maybe he had, but he just hadn't been paying attention.

With one hand, Clark flipped the tractor upside down, so he could work on the underside. Thoughts of Lois had always been…uncomfortable. He'd avoided them whenever possible. She'd turned up in Smallville at a very confusing time in his life – and she'd been immediately unlike anyone he'd ever known.

When he'd had no memories of his life on earth, no identity as Clark Kent, Lois found him in a field. Naked in a field, which she always enjoyed reminding him of. Clark felt a bubble of mirth rise up in his chest to explode in a chuckle that echoed around the lonely barn.

He remembered it – though it was still slightly hazy around the edges. She'd wrapped him in a red blanket and insisted he keep it on, despite his protesting. She badgered him into going to the hospital and though he could have knocked her away like a pesky fly, he hadn't. Instead, he'd let her drag him around.

He'd thought about why before, figuring he'd done so because he'd had nothing else to do as he waited for the 'sign,' and the world had been unfamiliar to him – it was still a strange memory to have, like a dream where the real isn't real anymore. But one memory was clear, like one crystallized moment: when he'd asked her who she was. And he definitely and deliberately had _not _thought about why before. Because there was a truth in there somewhere, one he hadn't been ready to face. Not for a long time. Of all the other people he'd come into contact with during those two days, he hadn't bothered to ask a single one of them for their name.

Clark's spanner hovered above the nut as something shifted inside him – like someone had finally turned on the lights. He knew he was in love with Lois. He'd never thought to question when or why. How seemed the more pressing issue when, only a few weeks ago, he'd stood in the rain with her in his arms. She'd looked up at him, and he'd brushed her hair from her eyes and wanted to kiss her. It was in that moment he'd felt his chest expand with her and was blindsided by the realization that he loved her.

Now he was blindsided by another: she'd been inside him all along, he just hadn't been ready to recognize her.

Chloe's words – _'You've had feelings for Lois since, like, the 1930's'_ – came back to him. Had everyone known? Even Oliver had understood, years before _'…if I lived under the same roof with such a beautiful woman, I probably would have masked my feelings in sarcasm too.' _Clark was starting to think this was just a little embarrassing. It was one of those times he wished he didn't have to have such a great memory.

He remembered the patiently waiting tractor and continued the work of rebuilding it. He should probably consider running a new coat of paint over it too, but there was something he liked about the chipped off green, the beat up look of the first tractor his dad had let him drive around the farm.

"Clark."

He jerked at the voice and then blinked at the backlit silhouette standing in the barn door, for a minute his mind went completely blank, before it rebooted.

"Lana?"

She moved further into the barn so he could see her properly and he found himself resisting the urge to take a step away. He wanted to blame the feeling on the fact that she'd been poisonous to him not long ago, but his eyes were finally open and he couldn't close them again…he didn't want to.

"What are you doing here?"

She blinked and he immediately regretted the abruptness. He hadn't meant it to come out that way – he'd always been very careful to be gentle and calm around her – but she'd caught him completely unprepared, especially given his previous train of thought.

He remembered seeing Lois again after she'd disappeared. In the monorail he'd caught, with only inches and a plane of glass separating them. And seeing her, he'd felt the first true emotion he'd felt in the weeks she'd been gone, and it was pleasure; a fundamental joy.

Looking at Lana now, he remembered when she'd walked into this barn at Chloe's wedding after months away. What he'd felt then was pain, guilt, regret. Memories of Lana had never been simply pleasant, there'd always been strings. Now, as she smiled tentatively at him, all of that was gone. It had been gone for a while. When he looked at her now what he felt was affection. She was his high school sweet-heart. Memories of her had gone from painful to sweet. When he'd looked upon her photo a few weeks ago, he hadn't felt a sense of loss; instead there was the warmth of soft memories.

And he'd put the photo away in the album, with the rest of his childhood.

Clark snatched up the cloth to wipe his hands and stepped toward her. "I mean…I'm just surprised to see you."

She smiled uncertainly, her eyes wide. "Chloe told me you'd left."

"I know." She didn't need to know how he knew.

"I came by the farm to look for you."

"I wasn't staying here."

He could have elaborated, could have told her he'd lived at the Fortress, undertaking the training Jor-El had always requested of him, but he found he didn't want to.

"I knew you'd come back when I read your article in the Daily Planet."

He'd wondered. He'd thought perhaps Chloe has called her again. "What did you think?"

"You're a great reporter, Clark."

He smiled. "Not great. Good, but not great…yet."

It hadn't escaped his notice that she was keeping her distance. She tucked her hands into the back pockets of her jeans.

"So, now that you're back, you would have spoken to Chloe?"

He ducked his head slightly, still feeling guilty for abandoning Chloe the way he had – though he'd had little choice. He knew that under the same circumstances he'd be compelled to do the same. But he understood what Lana was asking him.

"About the suit? Yeah, she told me."

He could see her hesitate, unsure whether she should come closer and risk hurting him. So he decided to get it over with. They had to know one way or another. He closed the three meter space between them and had to admit he'd held his breath there for a second.

"Are you…okay?"

He nodded. "Looks like Dr Groll was right, the Kryptonite radiation _is_ gone."

She smiled fully then, her nose crinkling up just as he remembered. He still found it adorable, but it was more an impartial observation. He found himself smiling genuinely in return. He'd grown up with this woman next door, watched her string flowers together to make daisy chain tiaras. It was natural for him to reach out and grip her hand with a comforting squeeze.

Her smile vanished and tears filled her eyes – an all too familiar sight as well – and she bounced into the air to cling to him, her arms around his neck. He held her that way, her feet dangling a few inches off the barn floor, for a moment, then bent, gently placing her feet back on the ground.

"I've missed you so much."

He smiled but found he couldn't say it back. The truth was, it was never Lana he wanted or missed, it was the '_idea' _of her, or of the person he'd imagined her into being: perfect, sweet, saintly…innocent. She was none of those things. Maybe she never had been, or maybe the influence of his life; the force of his own personality had changed her, just as he had the power to change fate.

Now that he thought about it, it seemed to Clark that Lois was the only one who seemed unchanged and unaffected by him. Perhaps that was one of the reasons he'd felt compelled to linger around her – even in the days he'd claimed to want nothing more than to get rid of her. How else could he explain Guitar Hero weekends? He hated Guitar Hero. Almost as much as he'd pretended to hate her for all those years.

Pretended.

'_How can someone with x-ray vision be so blind?' _Lois had said that to him in a timeline that no longer was. It was a good question.

Clark reached up and gripped Lana's wrists, gently pulling them from around his neck. Her brows furrowed in concern and her eyes questioned. He used the cloth he still held as an excuse to distance himself a little. Absently scrubbing at his hands some more, he moved to the toolbox to dump the cloth into it.

Lana stepped around the tractor until it sat between them. "I would have come back sooner if I'd known you were back." Her tone was slightly accusatory.

"A lot's been happening." He wasn't sure himself, if it was an apology or simply a statement of fact.

Lana was nodding as if trying to figure it out too. He expected her to question him, to ask about what was happening, to demand answers as she always had, but she didn't.

"I thought…once you spoke to Chloe, found out about the suit, you might call."

Guilt rubbed at Clark. He should have at least made the effort to call, but in fact, Chloe had never mentioned her to him and he had never thought of Lana again since he'd left that rooftop in the rain, while Lois had still been gone.

"I'm sorry, Lana," he said. "I've just been…things are a little crazy right now."

She huffed a small laugh. "When aren't they for you?"

He acknowledged the truth of that with the wave of an arm and a nod.

"Did Chloe also tell you that…that the powers are gone too?" She asked.

"You know that never mattered to me."

"No. It mattered to me. I couldn't keep up with you any other way, Clark."

He didn't know what to say to that. "Why _did _you come back, then?"

She moved around the tractor to look up at him. "I want to try again, Clark. With Lex out of our lives forever…"

"Lana." He had to stop her. It wasn't fair to her not to. "It's been a long time and..."

"Not that long, Clark. A few months."

Had it really only been months? He supposed it had. It had only been several weeks after Lana left that Lois had disappeared...he hadn't thought of that before...he hadn't thought of much, except that Lois was gone. Lana was waiting expectantly for him to speak, her eyes wide and watery. How could he tell her that he'd lived through three weeks that had felt like an eternity?

"Things are different now," he said.

She gave him a long look before she took the breath to reply. "There's someone else." It was a statement not a question, but Clark nodded anyway.

She looked down at her feet a moment. But when she looked up at him again, she wore a small smile, even as her eyes swam. She took a few steps away from him, running a hand over the old tractor that had been a fixture on the farm since they'd been children.

"She must be very special."

"She is." He didn't want to hurt her, but he had to be honest with her.

To Clark's bewilderment, her smile only grew slightly wider as she gazed at him. "How long have you been in love with her?"

He gaped, he could feel himself doing it. He didn't know quite how to answer that, though. "A while."

She nodded slowly, thoughtfully, and let her eyes travel the barn, as though memorising every corner, before reaching him again.

"It's Lois, isn't it?" She asked, softly.

Clark could only stare. How could she…?

And then she quietly laughed. "I don't think I've ever seen Clark Kent quite so shocked."

"How…how did you know?"

She moved to him then, and laid a hand to his cheek. "Don't you remember, Clark? Five years ago? In the caves when you were telling me how much you hated her? I told you…"

"'_The best ones always start that way_.'" He did remember. "Why did you say that?"

She moved her hand from his cheek and took his hand as he'd done with hers earlier. "Because it's true. Because there was something in the way you two stood next to each other that day I first saw you after Paris. Because…" she sighed and ducked her head a moment. "Because I could always _see _something in you when Lois was around, something that wasn't there at any other time." She touched his shoulder briefly as she spoke. "Like the weight that you always seemed to carry was gone."

Clark stood stunned a moment. Lana was right. He did feel that way when he was with Lois; as though the weight on his shoulders was lifted. Or maybe it was more like the weight was shared, like she took some of it. When he was with Lois, he never felt alone.

"Does she know your secret?"

'What? Oh, um…no." He moved away, snatching up tools to replace in the box. He was uncomfortable talking about this with Lana. He was uncomfortable talking about this, period. "It's too dangerous."

"You should tell her Clark. Something tells me Lois can take it."

"I won't put her in danger like that." He stopped his clearing up and gazed back at Lana. Silent tears tracked down her face.

He engulfed her in his arms. "I'm sorry, Lana. I never meant to hurt you."

The apology wasn't meant for only this moment, but for all that came before. He was sorry that he'd caused her to abandon the normalcy she should have had. He'd always understood that she couldn't handle his life. But he'd been young and besotted by her.

He rocked her. "I'm so sorry."

She sniffed and pulled away, wiping at her eyes. "I should go."

"You don't have to leave. I could make coffee. You could tell me where you've been…"

"No Clark, I can't. I'll always be your friend, but I'm still not over you. I don't know if I ever will be." She smiled, but her lips trembled and tears continued to flow down her cheeks.

"Lana…"

"You don't have to say anything. Deep down, I've always known I wasn't the one for you."

And deep down, so had he. "You'll always be important to me, Lana."

"I need to go." She stood on her toes and kissed his cheek and whispered, "Goodbye, Clark."

He watched Lana walk out of the barn, the sun setting beyond her.

He searched within himself. He was sorry that she was hurting, but he wasn't sorry to see her go. He knew he wouldn't miss her…he never had when she'd been gone. Maybe that's why when she'd returned last year, after months away, it had felt like she hadn't been gone at all. He'd thought at the time, that it was a sign that they should be together.

He'd been so wrong, so blinded...young and stupid.

Lois had left town a week ago now…and he ached to hear her voice. He wanted her to sit on the edge of his desk and tell him a story; he wanted her to swipe his coffee out of his hands or take the last maple donut from the box; he wanted her to cover his article in red ink; he wanted her to tell him to "saddle-up, Smallville" then drag him around the city; he wanted her to barge into his kitchen in the morning and eat handfuls of breakfast cereal straight from the box...

He wanted her to...he just wanted her. Needed her. To see her, to be near her.

He'd thought himself in love with Lana once – and he had been in a young, adolescent way – but what he felt for Lois was different, it was…more. So much more.

When Shelby nudged at his leg, Clark blinked, his hand instinctively moving to rest atop his dog's head. How long had he been staring out the barn door? The sun had set, and the stars were blinking into life in the darkening sky.

He knelt for Shelby. "Where'd she go, Shelby, huh? What do you think, should we call her again? Chloe says she needs space...well she has to come back eventually, right? At least to the Planet."

She'd probably call him slow or dimwitted, but he still couldn't figure out why she ran in the first place. He ruffled Shelby's coat. "We can wait."

Clark stood and went back to the tractor. He'd already put his tools away, and it was time he patrolled the city. He lifted it and carefully turned it the right side up again. Life was starting to make more sense to him.

He zipped upstairs to change into his Blur clothes and then speeded toward Metropolis. And if he veered from course a little to take a quick peek into the apartment above the Talon...well, who could blame him?

Lois was so...Lois!

**A/N:**So...? :o


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